Online Dating Profiles for Farm Cats, as Written By Cat Lady

One of my greatest blessings in life comes in the form of five furry friends I’ve made on the farm over the course of the last year and a half – the Cats of Starksboro. These kitties have been the center of my universe, and one of my saddest realizations is that unless I decide to stay in Vermont forever, I’ll have to part ways with my adoptive babies. I could bore you with story after story about each of them, but instead, I thought it’d be even better if I shared their online dating profiles. Maybe, one day, someone else will fall in love with them as much as I have and take care of them forever. Let’s get into it!

Grapefruit

Winter coat in full expression.

Also Known As: Mr. Fu (formal and short for Grapefruit), Tubi Boy

Age: 3 or 4

Occupation: Mindfulness Coach, Surf Teacher

Astrological Sign: Leo

Body Type: Long and lean, but extra fluffy. Large, orange and round, like a Grapefruit. White turtleneck.

What Else To Know About Me

My voice sounds rich and raspy, like Phil Collins.

Everyone just really likes me for some reason…cats like to cuddle with me, kittens like to play with me, humans like to pet me. I’m too blessed to be stressed. 

I’m the softest and fluffiest of my pack, and I’m the color of a pumpkin spice latte.

Hissy

Getting ready to bomb my cat mom’s Zoom meeting.

Also Known As: Mrs. Fu (Mr. Fu’s wife), Tubi Girl, Ford F150

Age: 3 or 4

Occupation: White House Correspondent

Astrological Sign: Capricorn

Body Type – Petite, but thick in all the right places. Brown with spots and stripes, with a white scarf.

What Else To Know About Me

I purr louder than everyone else because I like to show when I’m enjoying myself.

I’ve learned from my humans’ sleeping arrangements that blankets are warm and comfy, and now I crawl under blankets to nap, too. I LOVE blankets.

I’ve become quite close to my humans, and now enjoy getting my daily pets and massages. Sometimes, if you annoy me and I’ve had a bad morning, I will slap you once. Other times, if you don’t give me enough attention, I will disrupt your Zoom meetings. I’m cute but will fight for what’s right.

Mr. and Mrs. Fu

Pippin

Also Known As: Baby Fu (Mr. Fu’s young padawan), Baby Bubs

Age: forever 2

Mr. Fu and Baby Fu when Pippin was just a kitten a few years ago.

Occupation: Kindergartener, with dreams of being a garbage collector

I like to roll around in dirt and I also like trash.

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius 

Body Type: Perpetual kitten, teeny and petite. White with gray patches.

Pip and human mom

What Else To Know About Me:

I will eat everyone else’s food. I eat more than everyone even though I am the smallest. 

My natural voice sounds like a crying baby, even when I am happy. 

I have used up 3 of my 9 lives already, even though I am the youngest! My cat dad found me once stuck in a hop baler, and another time in a dusty old attic. Both times, my cat mom noticed that I didn’t show up from breakfast (I ALWAYS show up for breakfast), and that’s how they knew to look for me. 

Sometimes, I like to dip my paws in the water bowl. It’s fun!

Meanie

Also Known As: Big Boy, Fat Joseph

Age: 4

Occupation: Mall Cop

Astrological Sign:  Aries 

Body Type: Chunky, absolute unit. White with brown and gray patches in unexpected places. Low-rider belly, more-to-love.

Always on patrol.
Sitting on human dad
Sitting on my friends
Sitting on human mom

What Else To Know About Meanie: 

I’m a big dude who goes after what I want, whether that’s a comfy spot to roll around, other people’s kibble, or scritches. I’m not mean. I’m just misunderstood, like a teenager.

I lift at the gym so I’ve got the largest body. Volunteer sheriff’s duty also keeps me active. Unfortunately, my voice never adjusted… hey, you know the Weekend has a high voice too and he’s still a man’s man.

I’m insecure sometimes… I want to be the alpha but Grapefruit’s always strutting around with this fluffy tail. I’m waiting for my time to shine.

I enjoy sitting on people.

Oreo

Destroyed the cat puzzle as a cat would.

Also Known As: Bubi Girl, Pregnant Lady

Age: 4

Occupation: Private Investigator

Astrological Sign:  Taurus 

Body Type: Medium sized with child rearing hips. Black and white, like an Oreo.

What Else To Know About Oreo:

I’ve given birth to 4 babies who look like miniature versions of my enemies (Pippin and Hissy).

Oreo and the mini Oreos

Sometimes I lurk in the back just to see what’s going on. I am elusive. Hard to find me in pictures.

It takes a while to gain my trust, but when you do, I am pretty aggressively affectionate to make up for lost time.

Well, I hope you enjoyed our little feline family. If you’re interested in adopting a baby cat in a couple months, give me a shout!

xoxo

Trace

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