Go (the F) To Sleep!


Someone asked me recently what I would change if I could alter my body. I said maybe I would straighten my teeth or go up a boob size. But I realized in this very moment that, without hesitation, I would choose to fix my ability to sleep well and more consistently. I’ve always been a pretty bad sleeper and it really affects my entire life.

I would say I get 2 to 3 days of good sleep out of the week, when I feel rested and have actually fallen asleep through the night. I would love to know what it’s like to lay down and knock out within 10 minutes, on a regular basis. That sounds heavenly to me.

The worst part about insomnia is the anxiety of knowing I’ll need to actually get up and start a whole day running on no rest. I’m the worst when I am sleep deprived – I’m irritable, miserable, acutely sensitive, and slow. This anxiety makes it even harder to sleep, and then the exhaustion makes me more anxious. Then I’m just fucking tired the whole day.

Tonight is one of my really bad nights. It’s 5 am and I haven’t slept a wink. Thankfully it’s the weekend, so at least I know I won’t need to be responsible for anything other than feeding myself in the day ahead.

Sleep experts say that if you can’t sleep, to get out of bed and do something calming until you get tired. I decided I’d write about my insomnia and try and be productive about it. Usually I just wait for hours, and try my best to meditate or focus on my breathing.

I often say I was born 40 years old, there’s nothing I hate more than staying out past 2 am, I love turning down and having a quiet night in. It’s likely because I’m so sensitive to my sleep, and I suffer internally when I don’t get enough, which is all the time. I have to be so protective of my sleep, because otherwise I would go insane.

All the drugs I’ve ever taken were not intended to get me lit – instead, they are just experiments to get me to fall and stay asleep. You should see what I keep near my bed. I have a weed pen, melatonin gummy bears, valerian supplements. I sleep with an eye mask and ear plugs every night. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I think I’ll need to start exercising more often. Since the temperature in NYC just dropped to below freezing and the days are so short, I find it harder to make the effort. But I know the movement gets my body tired, and it supposedly helps with alleviating stress, which my work life provides plenty of.

The good new is that, on my few good nights of the week, I feel fucking fantastic during the day and I love my life so much. I feel like I could do anything. So I would love more of that.

Any of you have any suggestions on how to get a good night’s rest that I haven’t already read on web md or wikipedia? 😉

goodnight / good morning.


2 thoughts

  1. oh man! I wish I could offer something, but the internet’s all I’ve got 😟 Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in struggling with sleep 💕😴 Now I feel lucky that I don’t have as many sleepless nights, but it is something I have to “work” on everyday. So I hope you find some combo or routine that helps!

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